i'm an ocean~i'm all emotion~i'm a cherry ghost~cherry ghost

where do i begin?

i've been away from the computer and away from 329 for awhile.  if not physically then mentally.  or both-as a great man once said (why do i keep quoting great men, where the sistaaas at?) same difference!

ok girl focus.  i guess i'll start with the ashram.

i went away for 5 days to an ashram in "upstate ny". i put that in quotes because it's an inside joke amongst  me and some other guests there. basically anything north of manhattan is upstate, right? 

before i went to the ashram, i had no f'ing clue what an ashram was.  do you?  so i just went on dictionary.com and this is the meaning:  a secluded building, often the residence of a guru, used for religious retreat or instruction in Hinduism.  but it was actually many colonial type houses (one on the lake) nestled in between mountains with deer, duck and hopeful and enlightening people.

my experience there was life changing.  i have never had so much time away from it all.  i was back to the basics with no television, air conditioning and little cellphone use (my choice).  i met an energy healer, a midwife, another teacher, a COOL ass artist from williamsburg, a guru, a cook named Hanuman (more on him later) and a character named bobby who surely lived in san francisco in another life.

the people i met who were both guests and workers were so interesting and so real. no one had pretense and their energy was inviting,  they made me feel good and i made me feel good.  the location itself had just as much personality.  no shoes were allowed in any house (except the dining hall).  the yoga was also AMAZING.  the first 2 days ( i practiced everyday) was ashtanga just like my old stomping grounds on clement.  my last yoga class took place during an intense rainstorm.  the lake was being pelted with drops as we contorted our bodies and focused our breath, in essence we were living in the moment, 12th stepping to the fullest.

i have never experienced yoga (which i consider a religion) in such an environment.  it made me grateful for the exposure i had in SF and reminded me that what i seek is within.  the west gives off an enormous vibe as does nyc but the most important vibe, i already  have.  i just have to be clear enough to feel it.

ok, back to the ashram.  fire ceremonies with mediation and chanting of  the sanskrit language took place every morning and evening. this was my first experience with mediation.  gently reminding yourself to stop thinking, seeing bright lights, feeling intuition.  if i mediated for 20 minutes at least 15 were spent doing what i do best-thinking about random things, thinking about nonexistent things, thinking!  i was fortunate enough to reach a place each time (except the morning i was leaving,  i was too consumed to fully mediate) i focused of complete blankness for lack of better expression.  i would stop thinking and start training my  mind to lay off. sometimes i saw colors, other times i got insight into my life. at one point the number 35 was there and i realized it was the age i would have my first child.

seriously.

the sanskrit language was difficult to pronounce and i relied on the translations and lectures that followed, for meaning.  but as explained, this language is vibrational.  even if you do not comprehend what you are saying, the essence of the meaning can be felt. throughout the lectures on this language and the practice of yoga, i reflected a lot.  karma,reincarnation and attracting people who are on the same frequency as you were all concepts that were not new but left me open,inspired if you will.

i have to add that to keep the cost of the trip low, i participated in work study for 3 of my 5 days there.  this included scrubbing toilets, washing tubs, getting on my hands and knees to clean the bathroom floor and my favorite: tidying up the lakehouse yoga studio.  this may sound like a lot of effort and it was but it did keep the bill down and gave me a sense of community. i felt like i was giving back and that i almost worked at the ashram, which i wouldn't rule out for future summers.  it also gave me a different perspective on cleaning my own apartment.  

what i loved about the ashram was that it was on my terms.  i could go to every fire ceremony or none at all.  i knew what time the food was served and would make sure i got there before a meal ended.  i would talk and share and invite people in to my heart and then sit alone eating my scone and watching the sun drape the lake in the morning heat.  i could meet up with terrific women who were friends of bill and receive recognition.  i could call my sis and evan if i wanted or not at all.  i could chant and mess up the Hindu language.  i could eat the berries and nuts following each ceremony and savor the taste.  i could eat toast with peanut butter multiple times a day (because i am a picky eater and there was lots of tofu!).  no one bothered me, pressured me, stressed me.  i received only acceptance and loving vibes. exactly what my soul needs, exactly what every soul needs.

on my last morning, i went to get a cup of coffee.  i figured i would eat by the lake in solitude one more time.  as i was pouring my cherished liquid into a papercup i saw Hanuman and the artist from the burg (as evan says).  my papercup opened up an hour conversation about the environment, technology, the future, religion, fur.  although my choice of paper rather than a mug (you do all of your own dishes at the ashram too) started this philosphical discussion, it was never an attack. i sipped my caffeine guilt free and marveled at Hanuman's knowledge, passion and the artist's tales of her astrological chart.  i was LOVING every second of my last moments at the ashram and knew i would be back.  

i exchanged emails with most people i met and plan on writing a few when i am finished blogging today.  although i would like to think our paths will cross again be it at the ashram or a yoga class in the city, i know i will visit the ashram again and that is good enough.  for it attracts like minds and spirits and i am sure to get a different but just as profound experience (and i am hoping evan will join me!).

at any rate i was soon headed back to the city.  upon my return i headed to the first burger joint i could find in the west village and scoffed down some redmeat topped with cheese and bacon. shhh! don't tell.

i then visited some friends on perry street where i had yet another transformative experience. i spoke and felt listened to and for once felt like i made sense. they say its doing service but i received service that afternoon.  service to my soul.

ok so that was the peaceful part.

on monday my mom had surgery. it was major but not life threatening.  thank goodness. still she was "under" for over four hours and her recovery has been slow.  my family pulled together and we all spent a lot of time at the hospital which convenient for me is only a few blocks from my place.  although i was thankful that my mom would be ok, it did shake me up a bit to see her like that.  i felt obliged to be with her every second i could and hope i fullfilled my duty as a daughter. i think i did.

yesterday i was a mess!  Cinema Cinema played on wednesday at the annex which was ROCKING.  they kicked ass and my cousins came which gave me neutral ground.  it was a kick ass show and the guitar parts to criminal (my nickname to a groovy song with not so healthy lyrics) were heavyyyyyy.  she's soooo heavvvvvyyyyy. it truly was one of their best shows yet.

ok, so back to yesterday-i was a mess.  my nerves were shot, i was extremely tired and i was ready to throw down as evan would say *(i quote that boy a lot).  i got my mom home from the hospital safely and got my ass to therapy. i then had a mole removed (i feel like costanza) which required stitches but not a big deal.

still i was feeling mighty bad for myself by the time evan and i were doing our laundry at 8:00pm last night. negative thoughts were flowing.  i was cranky and we had to fold 5 loads, good stuff!

as i was folding, i saw a girl.  the first thing i noticed were high heels. they were cute and as i stood there in my it's laundry day and i have no clothes garb, i was impressed.  i then looked at her face and thought, i know her.

2 seconds later i turned to evan and said "that girl looks like alexa joel" daughter of !!!!!!

we scoped her and her boyfriend out for a bit, i smiled, she smiled back and we continued folding.  but now folding had a purpose.  billy's offspring was feet away and all i could hear in my head was allentown, literally!

we worked up the nerve to say something to her as were bringing our first bag out to my mom's car.  evan handled it like a pro. i was a blubbering mess.  something about i love your dad, i've watched you grow up flew out of my lips and i knew i needed to be muzzled.

we walked away and i was mortified.  only george clooney had left me so starstruck.  and i've hung with the best of them~cosby, thurston,kim,chloe.  hell mccartney stuck out his thumb from his limo to me my wedding weekend and though i ran after the limo screaming Paul, i was still fairly centered, lol!

back to alexa.  i guess it's her striking resemblance to her dad, the fact that she used the same washer as us (!) and that her energy was so warm, something made me so nervous i was shaking.  as we were leaving her boyfriend asked us if we wanted a t shirt!  he said it was freshly washed but wet and evan him did a tshirt exchange with alexa and her beau getting a red cinema shirt,which she loved~

i had one more chance to speak to her and i can't say it was any better than the first. i told her i was starstruck and didn't mean to come off like an idiot but that i loved her dad, and my mom loved her mom and asked her what was going on with her musically.  i also asked what her dad was like and told her to tell him that colette said hello. she said my name was beautiful! and before i knew it it, i was walking out of the laundromat with a wet alexa ray joel tshirt and scenes from an italian restaurant stuck in my head.

i had touched the daughter of.

rock royalty.

i am still struck.

can you imagine if he was there? i would've fainted.

at any rate that's what i've been up to. off to watch brenna rae tonight with evan. our first overnight.  it will be so much fun and a little test:) 

thanks for listening.

c (i am, I am, I AM)

asked them to dance
danced with them slow
and we're living here in allentown.

i haven't been able to get back into the swing of writing since leaving myspace.  did knowing that my "peeps" would read it urge me to pour my heart out? be articulate? creative even?  i can't seem to get the same vibe on vox, though i must.

today i want to write about loyalty, love and gratitude for my life.

so lets start with loyalty.  i don't know if its because i am a leo, a lover or an excellent family member (ego alert, ego alert).  but i am a very loyal person.  i am also  A LOT of other things but loyal is definitely a positive attribute that i possess.  anyway, i've defended my family in many a situation and always will.  but sometimes its not reciprocated.  and exploring buddhism these days, i have to also talk about old karma.  why do they always win?  i guess they don't because here i am today, and i am not there, thank goodness (i guess this is the gratitude part). though i am being cryptic as to not give any specific of group of people from the land of P my energy, i will say i am not referring to my family when i speak of old karma. they are my current and future karma, and i wouldn't have it any other way.  but the cast of MP, well i left that show a long time ago.

love is all we need, a great man once said, or did he sing it?  well, he was right.  today i have deep love.  i am with someone who knows me, gets me, loves me inside and out and no matter what will be there for me.  he doesn't judge me, he's never left me. and that's more than i can say for other men in my life including papa jk.

and most important without sounding incredibly corny, today i am learning to love myself. self respect is always something i've struggled with and hell if you don't respect your temple, then who will?

so the old vibes circa 1992 that were hanging above my head last night can remain in the air and float away.  i may have been exposed to them a mere 12 hours ago and my stomach may have ached but today is a  brand new day. it's sunny.  i'm off to woodgreen in a bit and my hot ass hubby is on his way home to me.

and together we'll continue our life that we've created in the slope.  that started in bergen, temporarily moved to the basin, san francisco and back.  and we've only just begun.

to quote my new favorite song there are roads left in both of shoes.  i am just happy i got rid of the ones from a long time ago.

we just got back from pennsylvania yesterday.  although it reminded me of just how much of a new yorker i am, it was so peaceful to be amongst nature.  surrounded by trees, connection followed.

i am proud of us.

i am in love.

trying not to cling, for to cling means to suffer.

still as i approach my empty bed tonight, my heart aches for him.

he'll back be soon enough.

thanks for listening,

C

xo

07 Wishful Thinking

Wilco

it's cool to be listening to a wilco song and to be able share it as i blog.  very very cool aspect of VOX.

i said goodbye to myspace for the second time in 5 months last night.  DUNZO!  it's just too toxic for me. i am sure others can go on and have fun but it adds drama to my life and these days, well i am not down with the dramzy.

anyway! just back from a long day with my niece and my second cousin's baby.  it's baby mania here in my world.  but its nice.  they are both so precious to say the least and for the past half an hour that i was with her, B cuddled close to me and fell asleep on me like a little peanut.  earlier she really looked into my eyes for the first time since i've known her (just short of 3 weeks). the deal was sealed way before today, but i am truly in love.

hmmm, starting to realize this choice of Wilco song might send the wrong message.  i am not wishful thinking for a baby.  and these days i do try to think less.  so i am not quite sure why i picked it.  maybe i am wishful thinking subconsciously for something else, some place else, maybe i just like another kick ass song from this kick ass band.

anyway, i am not as articulate as i want to be in my first blog, blame it on the rain-yeah yeah.

happy birthday johnnie.  have a good weekend everyone else.

and thanks for listening,

C

xo